Bad Day

I’m reluctant to write about today, but I keep reminding myself that the whole point of this blog is to publicly (and I use that term loosly) reconstruct my ideas about weight and body image etc.

Today was the first time I stepped on a scale in five months. It didn’t suck. Five months ago, I weighed less, but six months ago I weighed a lot more. I’m pretty much where I always am, and I’m fine with that.

The problem came when my mother was like “But you’re going to lose weight this summer right?” When I offered her a skirt that didn’t fit me and I don’t particularly like anyway. I said “No.” She said “Why not?” I said “Because I haven’t lost any the last four summers.” And then she offered to take me to an endocrinologist because clearly that means something is wrong with my thyroid*.

She also told me I had gained weight since the last time I was home (not true). To me that “No” was hugely emotionally … something. I’m still not over it and it was an hour ago and she apologised for hurting my feelings. I then did 50 crunches. I don’t know if I’m going to eat dinner tonight. I’m going to start jogging tomorrow with my mother since her apology was “I’m sorry but it isn’t like you can’t fix it with exercise.” Since I’m doing it with her, I want to get it over with ASAP. She might be thin, but she’s not in very good shape.

I’ve done this before. Being the friend someone chooses to go running with because they assume since I’m fatter than they are, I’m in worse shape. At the very least they assume I’m not in better shape. It doesn’t make people feel very good when I am. I wanted to play that time. This time I just want to get this over with. I’ll play your game, I’ll play by your rules, but don’t blame me when you quit because I’m winning.

I know I’m being irrational because I was thinking of doing this anyway (without my mother), but the way this came about does not make me happy.

I don’t know if the “No” is a small step, or a step forward accompanied by several steps back.

*Granted, thyroid problems are not unheard of in my family.

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June 3, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Current. 1 comment.

Food Logs

Food logs are my big evil. Most of my serious previous attempts to lose weight have come coupled with food logs. This is because everyone says how wonderful those things are. They make you take responsibility for your eating etc . etc. It’s also because my mother is a lifetime member of Weight Watchers and I’ve unofficially been on the points diet several times (My mother is familiar enough and has enough of their literature that the only thing I ever failed to get out of my unofficial version is the weekly meetings) and a huge part of said diet is writing down everything you eat.

Well, the thing with me is that my disordered eating doesn’t appear when I weigh myself every day. It doesn’t show up (as much*) when I try to restrict calories. Mine shows up with food logs. I start out writing what I eat. I also stop snacking on say, one cookie, or one chip because then I’d have to write it, and that’s just silly and not worth it, and I guess in that way the log works. But then I look at the list and go “Wow, that’s huge!” because I list every food individually because I want to see what I eat** . This means milk and cereal takes up two lines, a third for a vitamin. Sandwiches can take around four or five. And I start wanting to make the list smaller and smaller. I have a page in my “take everywhere notebook” that has several attempts at food logs, and I can always tell where a new food log begins because I am writing on the lines again in my normal (but still small) handwriting. The last day of the previous food log tends to look like a date with three things (one of which is almost always the multivitamin) crammed in-between the lines of the paper.

At this point in the log, I tend to be so super proud of myself for managing to fit all my food in one line of space (one and a half if you include the date). I’m also wacked out, crazy pants, mood-swinging insane and cannot make up my mind about anything. Which is why the log then fails.

Hopefully the next time I’m thinking of doing a food log, I’ll read/remember this post and just avoid the crazy. Or, at the very least keep a health log (including exercise, sleep and water) on my computer so I can avoid the unhealthy attitude.

*My calorie restriction is also crazy because when I don’t or cannot check something, I will assume an apple is 150 calories and an avocado has to be 375. Also, one Oreo is what, 120? And as I sit here looking at that, an apple has to be at least 200 and an avocado can’t be less than 450, but the Oreo looks right. Quick googling tells me a large apple is 110, an avocado is 300 and a single oreo is 55. I obviously have no idea what I’m doing.
**”Veg and cheese Sandwich” doesn’t say nearly as much as “Whole wheat bread (2 slices), cheddar (2 slices), tomato (half), lettuce”

March 11, 2010. Tags: , , . Reflection. Leave a comment.

I Spy. . .

People who have weight issues play lots of games. The calorie game. The eating in public game. The game of space called Can I Fit?. The most interesting game is Fattest Person in the Room.

This is one thing that I feel the need to acknowledge but not necessarily deprogram. It’s important for my sanity.

How to play:

First, one must be in a room or gathering with a limited amount of people. Generally, social interaction must be expected between the people, but this is not always the case.

Then there’s a flow-chart. Mine is probably different than someone who is heavier, or male, or thinner, or shaped differently. My flowchart goes like this.

Am I the fattest person in the room? If yes, end, if no, continue.
Am I the fattest female in the room? If yes end, if no, continue.
How many other women are fatter than me?

This game is important because I need to identify my “position”. Fat shaming happens. If physical activities are involved, I need to know when I’m likely to get picked for a team, or if I have to work extra hard to prove myself, or if I should just give up. If there’s discussion involved I need to analyse everything directed at me or said about me, especially jokes. When given roles I need to know if my weight is going to be the determining factor. Even if I’m not the fattest person in the room, I need to know my relationship to said fattest person. Are we friends? Because that means more judgement, fats flocking and all. Am I going to get lumped in with him/her no matter what? The lumped part is the worst. His or her incompetence becomes mine as well, no matter what. And I feel just as guilty because mine becomes theirs.

This game also helps let me know when to relax. If someone is fatter than me by a large margin, then I can consider myself mostly safe. If the person who is larger than me, even only slightly, is popular or friends with the rest of the group, or has some position of authority, it means that fat shaming will be less likely or less overt.

I feel like I should stop playing, but it’s become so automatic, I’m not sure if I could. And I’m not sure if I would even if I had that option. Part of having social skills is being socially aware. I know that there are reasons that I should stop. I know that this is judging other people and judging myself the way I don’t want to be judged. I know that if I ever do lose the weight I want to, this kind of game could become very toxic.

February 19, 2010. Tags: . Reflection. Leave a comment.